1st Pregnancy

Friday, May 26, 2006

Dear Baby,

Today mummy a bit grouchy and slack. Still feel tired because last Wednesday I went out the whole day and lots of walking. I've been doing lots of laundry and washing today. I can't wait to go swimming again. I made a date with daddy to go swimming next Tuesday. Daddy just smiled and asked me if am sure. He asked can I survive after my morning class on Monday and Tuesday. I don't know what to answer. I just smiled. But I really hope I can survive so that I can go swimming again. When I swim I always imagine that I am snorkling but too bad there's not corals or fishes for me to look at. I did not imagine hard enough to visualize fishes in the pool. *smile*

Last night was horrible. I manage to sleep at about 4 or 5am. My whole body itch. It happens to me almost everday but last night's itch was horrible. I feel angry and irritated. I hope I will not have problems next week because I will be having morning classes.

Last night I cried. I was confused. Thinking about hospital and so on. I prefer single bed because I've seen so many patients who admitted in 4 bedded or more being mistreated or did not get proper treatment. I do admit I am fussy about service. But mummy and daddy comes from a very different background. His family seems to prefer I choose the cheapest hospital and ward. I was even told off by his family member about this. I know I should not tell you about this but I just need to let it out of my chest. And I am sure when you grow up you will notice the behaviour or routine of each of our family. So you better have your own principles and think by yourself what you want in life. I don't expect you to follow the routine of my family or daddy's family. I will respect your wish as long as it is sensible and safe. Mummy even kept quiet when I was told off about the choice of hospital. I don't want to create any problem.

Mummy sometimes can see the other world, I also taken care of a few people in the hospital like my dad, my uncle, grandma etc and I am very particular in treating people well and providing good service. Maybe because I am trained in providing good service when I was taking my diploma. Due to all this, I get worked up when nurses did not take care of patients properly. Now I will be staying in hospital to deliver you so I am worried that they will not handle you properly, worried that they did do a proper job on me coz I am diabetic and also worried I can see the other world. Daddy got fed up with me last night. He said that if I always think of the worst I will get the worst. hmmm maybe I've been disappointed too many times for the past years. So I don't have any high expectation at all. I purposely set my expectation level to zero so that even a tiny nice thing happen I will appreciate it greatly. Different people have different expectation. I may think I did a good job and I did what matters most. To some people I may not be good enough and thinks that he did a better job, which I think otherwise. I never condemn a person for not doing things up to my expectation and I learnt not to comment when it is not good enough. I learnt to accept as what it is. I believe I have a bigger heart now that I can accept people's flaws and I can let comment about me without being angry. It is tough. Sometimes it affects me till I cry. Sometimes it accumulates anger in me. But anger is the work of Syaitan. I always try to control it. To me a weak person is the one who always burst in anger and behave in the Syaitan manner.

Anyway, about the hospital we have set our mind to Mt Alvernia and will be taking two bedded or 4 bedded.. it all depends. If normal delivery I'll take two bedded and if c-sect I'll choose 4 bedded. It is all not about the pain. It is all about the effects of the nurses action which sometimes can lead to permanent damage. Trust me.. it happened to a few old people I know. Poor thing. Feel like slapping the nurses on the spot. But I did complaint and the hospital and doctors took action againsts the nurses.

I am also worried about your future. About your studies and character. I think it is a norm. This is one of the reason I watch less news or forum on TV. Whenever they talk about Singapore education system, I get stressed up. I've been reading a few books and did a few online stress and depression level test. Well..hmmm ... I think all these things got to do with my hormones. Most books say it is common and even after birth women can experience depression. It is not I have no faith in Almight Allah but it is me to ensure everything goes well. I am the sort who wants to the best for my loved ones.

I love you my sweetheart. I can't wait to go for a scan in 3 weeks time.

Hugz
Mummy