1st Pregnancy

Saturday, June 02, 2007

guilty..

Dear Son,

Mummy feel so guilty leaving you at home and mummy goes to work. I find it difficult to work late too. My work mates have to go overseas to conduct training. I pray hard that I don't have to go out station. Whenever I see anything for babies, I tend to buy for you. I bought it out of guilt. I know I work to help our family and for you future, but I just can't help feeling guilty. Maybe when everything is okay, I will part time again so that I can attend to you often.

Yesterday I just apply for one day leave in August! That is 2 months away. My manager almost reject it because Monday is a busy day. I tried to change your doctor's appointment but I can't. I got to ask daddy to help. Daddy might send you alone to the clinic if I can't get my leave. My leave is approved but if I have to conduct training, I have to cancel my leave.

Only God knows how I feel. At work mummy always very busy. Mummy have no friend to talk to etc.. no kakis.. I am on my own. But it is better that way actually .. not much dispute will happen. But the work exam and work load is too much. I just feel I can't cope especially when there is family event. I really hope I can juggle. I hope people around me understand my situation. I have to pass all the exams in order for me to keep my job. I really pray hard hoping I will not have any problems that will affect my performance at work. Please please forgive me for going to work. Please love me even when I am not around. I love you my son Fa'iz Hilman

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Sunday, May 27, 2007

Mummy@work : Hilman@home

8 months old photos

9 months old photo

Dear Hilman,

Mummy has been working for a week. Alhamdulillah everything is fine. Mummy reached home at 8pm daily. You only get to see me for about 2 hours in a day. You still sleep with me at night and I still wake up in the middle of the night to feed you. Insya-Allah I will carry on sleeping with you every night till you are big enough to sleep on your own. To me being with you is the most important thing in my daily life. At the moment mummy only have day classes and exams to complete. I will have night classes, weekend classes and also conduct training in other countries. I hope I don't have to do that. I can't bear to leave you for a few days. During my first day at work, I almost cried when I look at your pic in your blog. But I tried to control my tears when daddy get aggitated that I am being sensitive and missing you. When mummy is away at work, we have a maid to help to look after you. Alhamdulillah she is a hardworking lady.

I believe everything is destined by Allah. I got a job on Wednesday and in the afternoon I went to Hyperlink website to look for a maid. I like your bibik Eva once I look at her face. I called up and the agency said Eva might not be available. Half an hour later I received a call saying that I can have Eva if I pay deposit on Wednesday. I rushed to Ming Arcade with you. We paid deposit and Eva came to our house on Saturday. Without Elaine from Hyperlink help we could not have a maid so soon. Thanks Elaine!

On Sunday mummy broke down. I am not sure if you will be well taken care of. I called Aunty Hawa and I cried. She rushed from Bedok to our house. She was shocked because I never behave this way. I was worried if you did not get enough milk, diaper changed, hurt yourself like knocking your head, falling etc and I am very worried if you pick anything and put it inside your mouth. Mummy still sms daddy or call him to check if everything is okay. I still remind them to change your diaper and give you milk. I also call Eva to check on everything. But I can't do that often. When I have training, I am not allowed to use the phone. Now you have a lot of rashes around you neck and chin. You have eczema and very sensitive skin and I have been extra careful in taking care your skin. What I predicted came true.. you will have rashes after a week mummy start work. I hope the rashes will go off soon. It is really a terrible rash you are having now.

Now mummy very stressed up. I have to take 5 exams to keep my job and another 5 tasks to get increment. I know I am supposed to be studying instead of typing this blog but I need a break. When I asked daddy if you miss me, he will tell me that you are fine. But I overheard he told someone that on my first day of work you kept on looking for me. Everyday I look forward to go home, I look forward for weekends and public holiday to spend time with you and I also look forward to go to work to make your future more secure. I love you very much my son. I do feel guilty leaving you at home in someone's else care but I have no choice. This is the life of a Singaporean. Whenever I felt guilty, I will buy for you a toy or anything you like to compasate the time we have lost.

Something interesting happened on Friday. I saw sea water being sucked up to the clouds. According to the news it happened twice a year. The picture below is taken using one of my colleague's handphone.

Oh yes! You have 2 teeth! 2 more coming up.. you are a grown up baby. Mummy got to study..love u my son.

Hugx

Mummy